


Self-Preservation

by MySpotlessMind



Category: The Good Wife (TV)
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2013-08-07
Updated: 2013-08-29
Packaged: 2017-12-22 17:08:07
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 4,086
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/915832
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MySpotlessMind/pseuds/MySpotlessMind
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Angst ahoy! Set two years-ish post the season four finale.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Apologies for the slightly-clichéd setting. And titles aren’t my specialty, so it’s subject to change pending any better ideas. It’s my first fic, so constructive criticism is always welcomed.

Kalinda slid into her usual spot at the bar, a slightly unstable stool that looked as though it’d seen better days. Her exhaustion was palpable from a long day at work that was extending into the evening. She took in the familiar surroundings—the wooden countertop worn with circular stains from the condensation of too many glasses. The sharp smell of alcohol tinted with the vague scent of cigarette smoke, permanently absorbed into the walls and floors and ceilings from a bygone era. Kalinda tried to stifle the parallels between her and the bar bouncing around in her head. Tired. Blemished. A bit worn down, but still carrying on with business as usual. 

No more than a minute after staking our her territory, a whiskey on the rocks greeted her, accompanied by a sly, impish smile from a bartender whose insider information may or may not have been convenient during a previous investigation. She stifled a smirk at the not unpleasant memory. The Ghost of Kalinda Past. A fiercely intelligent Kalinda who lived to do her job and do it well. A Kalinda who garnered some of her most impressive investigative leads while brandishing her equally impressive expertise in the art of seduction. 

Tired though she was, she was finally feeling herself return to the Kalinda of old. She liked that Kalinda. So much had changed in the last five years, one destructive, fucked-up event after another cracking away at the persona Kalinda had so carefully constructed for herself. A persona built specifically to withstand such occurrences. In hindsight, it wasn’t so much a specific incident, or even a synthesis of incidents, that had first started breaking down the carefully crafted walls of Kalinda. No, it had all started with one thing. Or more so, one person. One person whom she hadn’t spoken with in over two years. 

Kalinda grasped the drink in front of her, the glass cool under her fingertips, and quickly drained the liquid in an effort to halt that reoccurring train of thought from traveling any further. She needed to be present. Alert. Dwelling on the future, not the past. A potential lead for her current investigation would be there any minute. A lead who might be just as obliging, and just as enjoyable, as the current bartender had once been. Kalinda had moved on, or at least mostly convinced herself that she’d moved on, from dedicating so much of her time and effort and thought processes to that one person. That one person who had destroyed so much. 

After that one person had left Lockhart/Gardner along with the other fourth year lawyers, the portion of the law firm that had withstood one financial hardship after another had finally fallen. It didn’t happen all at once. More like one continuous blow after another. Diane had left after accepting Peter’s judgeship. One blow. After all of initial staff cuts by Clarke, in addition to the loss of the fourth-years, the caseload became too heavy to manage. With no money to hire new lawyers. Two blows. The few remaining high-revenue clients felt neglected and scattered to the wind. Three blows. David Lee made the decision to “not go down with the ship,” instead seeking out another firm for his family law practice. And the walls came tumbling down, ripped apart department by department. Will was left standing in the rubble, with Kalinda still by his side. Again, if Kalinda were tempted, parallels between herself and another building could be drawn. 

But Kalinda always had a plan. After all, self-preservation was her number one concern. It became apparent a year or so after the split that despite their valiant efforts, Gardner & Associates was not long for this world. A connection here. A phone call there. She could never work for the FBI as Lana had suggested—too thorough of background checks. Even with her watertight identity, she’d never survive the almost certainly intensive investigation by the Feds. Nor did she want to take that unnecessary risk. And the last place she would seek out employment was at Florrick, Agos, and Associates. Too much bad blood. Too much left unsaid. Too much pride. 

Instead she turned to a previous job offer—Sophia. Now that Peter was the Governor, a new State’s Attorney had been elected. More importantly, a happily married State’s Attorney with whom Kalinda shared no history had been elected. Convincing Sophia to offer her a job hadn’t been much of a challenge. Despite any personal complications, Kalinda was damn good at her work. Few in this city were better. So arrangements were made if, and more specifically when, Kalinda’s current place of employment met its downfall. And working under Sophia was not without it’s perks. After the euphoria of their first successful case together, thanks in no small part to some last minute information unearthed by Ms. Sharma, drinks were merited. Somewhere between the third and fourth shot, right around the time Sophia’s hand began to caress the inside of Kalinda’s thigh just below her hemline, Sophia divulged some important marital information. Yes, she was married. Yes, she truly loved her husband. No, it wouldn’t be cheating—she and Griffin had reached a mutual decision. His job as a journalist whisked him away from home for months at a time. They both had needs. Needs that could be acted upon until his job brought him back home. Their own “don’t ask, don’t tell” policy. 

“And do you know the worst part?” Sophia feigned despair, sliding her hand up a fraction of an inch further. “He just left last week and won’t be back for two whole months.” 

Kalinda eyed her knowingly, sporting her token half smile. “Such a shame. I’d hate for you to get too lonely.” 

After one more drink followed by some steamy, good old-fashioned, no-strings-attached sex, Kalinda and Sophia seamlessly slid back into their previous pattern of work. But Sophia hadn’t lied the first time she’d offered her the job. Kalinda had hit the ground running. Not that she objected. Keeping her mind constantly occupied with work was vital. And Kalinda had been in the business long enough know how the system worked. New connections needed to be linked. Higher-ups needed to be impressed. Kalinda wanted to start this job off on the right foot, so putting in extra time now to establish a positive reputation would help her out further down the line. 

It felt so similar, yet entirely different to the last time she and Sophia had worked together at the State’s Attorney’s office. There was a weight behind Kalinda that hadn’t existed before. But Kalinda was the master of impassivity, the queen of the poker face. No one, not even Sophia, had noticed. And since falling back into that comfortable, well-worn path working with Sophia over the last two months, she felt the weight slowly being lifted. Still present, but less painful. The Kalinda of old slowly reclaiming her territory, rebuilding her walls. Stronger than the last time. This time, she told herself, the walls would be indestructible. 

She smiled guardedly at the thought. At the same moment, she glanced upwards at the mirror behind the bar and locked eyes with her potential informant walking through the front door. Her smile spread further. Their eyes and their smiles stayed aligned as the woman snaked her way through the tables. Kalinda finally turned her barstool to face the woman moments before she reached the counter. Before she could offer a greeting, Kalinda’s eyes were once again drawn to the front door. This time she unintentionally met another pair of eyes. A familiar set of eyes. That one person’s eyes, sending both her smile and her heart plummeting to the slightly sticky floor.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The plot thickens... Thanks for all of your support so far!

Kalinda’s previous train of thought came roaring back to life, threatening to topple her freshly constructed walls. Each railcar another painful memory. 

Regaining composure, Kalinda rapidly readjusted her gaze to the attractive woman now sitting beside her—the reason Kalinda was at the bar in the first place, a turn of events she now so desperately regretted.  Her face returned to the same flirtatious smile as quickly as the original expression had plummeted. 

“Lena. Didn’t think you were going to make it.” Kalinda greeted her in as sultry a tone as she could muster, given the particular circumstance. “Glad you proved me wrong.” 

“Hey, just doing my part to uphold the high moral standards of the Chicago government,” Lena replied, her snide, yet playful tone reminding Kalinda why she had contacted her in the first place.  

“How admirable of you. Such an upstanding citizen,” Kalinda shot back, trying her best to appear unaffected. She could hardly focus on the task at hand, her mind racing a mile a minute. What was Alicia doing here? Was there someone with her? Why did Kalinda still care? Dumb question.

“So what’s your poison?” Kalinda hailed the bartender over her shoulder, taking the opportunity to scan the crowd as discreetly as possible. There—seeking refuge at a table near the window sat Alicia, eyes glued intently to the drink menu. Either that menu was the most riveting piece of literature Alicia had ever laid eyes upon, or Kalinda wasn’t the only one feeling supremely uncomfortable. 

“Same as you,” Lena answered.

What had they been talking about? Right—drinks.

Kalinda turned to face Lena once again. She opened her mouth to speak, finally feeling some semblance of inner composure rebuilding, only to be shaken once more by the vocalization of a name. Her name. In a familiar voice. But not the voice she would’ve expected. 

“Kalinda?!” 

Kalinda swiveled in her seat slowly, unprepared for the person now standing before her. 

“Robyn?” _Christ. What is this, a high school reunion?_ “Wow. Hello. This is…” Kalinda searched for the appropriate word. “Unexpected.”  

Her blond hair was longer than the last time they’d spoken. Her business casual attire had now shifted to a tailored blank pantsuit. Kalinda’s initial reluctance to work with Robyn and her subsequent acceptance as the investigator at Florrick, Agos, & Associates had done little to lessen the soft spot Kalinda held for the unconventional woman.  Under different circumstances, Kalinda might’ve been pleased. 

Robyn smiled and said, “Small world, right?” 

She threw a glance over Kalinda’s shoulder. “Hi, I’m Robyn,” she stated while eagerly reaching out her hand to Kalinda’s companion. Lena extended a confused arm, meeting Robyn’s enthusiastic handshake. 

“How rude of me.” Kalinda intercepted, not at all liking the direction the evening was headed. Robyn was sharper than her first impression might imply, and no doubt her skills had improved with time and practice. “Robyn, Lena. Lena, Robyn.” Short. Sweet. No room for questions. “So what brings you here, Robyn?” 

“We just finished up a long case. Oh, man—I almost forgot. Guess who’s here with me?” Robyn turned and called out Alicia’s name while motioning for her to come forward. After failing to gain her attention, Robyn called out once more, louder this time.

_No. Shit. No, no, no, no, no._ “Really, that’s... that's not necessary…” Kalinda floundered for words. Too late. Alicia had already begun a somewhat hesitant walk to the bar.  

Pleased with her success, Robyn turned back to Kalinda. “Anyway, we thought we’d celebrate our victory with a quick drink.” _Ouch_. The sense of betrayal hurt more than Kalinda allowed herself to realize. 

Kalinda managed to form a response. “Sounds much deserved.”  

“Yeah. I suggested this place to Alicia—I come here occasionally. But I don’t think it’s what she’s used to.” 

_Understatement of the century,_ thought Kalinda.

Robyn continued on, saying, “The second we walked in the door she was ready to bolt. I convinced her to give it a fair chance before forming an opinion. Innocent until proven guilty, ya know?” Robyn finished with a lame chuckle. 

How had Kalinda not noticed Robyn at the entrance earlier? She prided herself on her keen observation skills. Yet Alicia always managed to throw her off balance. 

The woman currently disrupting her thoughts had nearly reached the bar. The entire process felt distinctly like a walk of shame. 

Lena, feeling a bit neglected, finally caught sight of the woman approaching. She whispered into Kalinda’s ear, “Wait a minute. Is that Alicia Florrick? As in _the_ Alicia Florrick, wife of Governor Florrick?” 

“The very same,” replied Kalinda dryly.

“Kalinda, I’m impressed,” Lena playfully hit Kalinda’s shoulder. Kalinda was so not in the mood for this. “I never knew you were so connected.” 

Kalinda stifled the bitter laughter threatening to erupt, the irony nearly too much to bear. “You have no idea.” 


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> At long last—interaction! To a degree...

And here it was—the moment Kalinda had been simultaneously avoiding and craving for the last two years. That one person who made her feel both complete and broken, Alicia Florrick, now stood in front of her. She felt the conflicting emotions flooding her tiny frame—anger, warmth, fear, desire. It was only through years of practice that Kalinda could meet Alicia’s eyes with her typical impenetrable expression, her Mona Lisa smile. Alicia responded with an inscrutable smile of her own. It made Kalinda long for the time when she could read Alicia’s expressions as if they were her own. 

The discomfort of both parties involved was palpable. Neither said a word. The silence was painful. Kalinda could vaguely hear Robyn humming along with the bar’s play list in her periphery. Lena could’ve disappeared, and Kalinda would never have noticed. She finally decided to take the initiative in an effort to appear unaffected. To stop any further indication of how off-balance she’d been thrown the minute Alicia had walked through the door.

 She began, a carefully calculated, “Alicia. Hi.”

 Kalinda always had been a woman of few words. Sometimes that worked in her favor. 

“Hello, Kalinda.” 

Alicia’s tone was equally unreadable. She _had_ learned from the best… 

Kalinda noted the distance Alicia left between them. The space wasn’t filled with Alicia’s rage or rancor that had dominated the majority of their interactions after Kalinda’s sordid history with Peter had been revealed. Instead that space was now occupied by a sense of caution, of hesitation. Kalinda couldn’t determine which space was worse. Anger and hate were at least guided by passion. 

This was wrong. Everything felt wrong—the awkwardness, the uncertainty, the remorse. Kalinda didn’t know what she had expected, but this wasn’t it. She struggled to think of something, of anything, to continue the “conversation.” Even the basic knowledge of small talk had exited her brain as Alicia had entered. There was too much, yet not enough that she wanted to say to Alicia.

After a few moments that stretched an eternity, Kalinda opened her mouth to produce a yet undecided response. _How are you? Long time no see. How’s work?_ As fate would have it, she didn’t need to choose from the selection of lame pleasantries, because just as the words began to form, she was interrupted. 

“Wow, Mrs. Florrick, it’s such an honor to meet you.”

Kalinda was overwhelmed with relief in the form of Lena’s earnest introduction. Tired of sitting outside the action, Lena had relocated to a position standing between the two women, and was now anxiously offering a handshake to Alicia. Poor Robyn had been all but forgotten standing slightly behind Alicia. Kalinda tipped her head and offered a sympathetic half-smile in her direction. She had learned to never underestimate Robyn’s perceptiveness. Surely she had seen that something was amiss between the two women. Would she chalk it up to Kalinda’s disappointment that Alicia had left Lockhart/Gardner without her prior knowledge? Or did Robyn know more than she was letting on? 

“I’ve been so impressed by all of your courage and integrity. I mean, if I had a husband and he cheated on me, I would’ve …”

Kalinda stopped listening, the painful wound opened anew. Turning back to face the bar, she downed the rest of her drink while motioning for another. She briefly fantasized about marching out the door in that instant. Excuses could be made— _Oh, I forgot. I have some work to finish back at the office_. It wouldn’t be the first time. How would they react? Lena would be irked, but she’d fall back in her good graces soon enough. Robyn would be confused and intrigued, particularly after witnessing Kalinda’s pathetic attempts at casual interaction with Alicia. And Alicia would… What would Alicia be?  Rather than risk the complexities of that line of thinking, Kalinda resumed her attention to the conversation at hand. 

It appeared as though Lena had finished her overzealous preamble, as Alicia offered a, “Thank you so much. It’s a pleasure,” and a tight smile with all the finesse that one would expect of a governor’s wife. 

Kalinda finally found her voice before the stiff exchange could go any further, noticing that Robyn was now in possession of two drinks, one of which she handed to Alicia. The perfect chance for escape before the situation became even more uncomfortable. 

“Look, we should let you two get back to your festivities.” Kalinda drolly finished with,  “To think of all the celebratory shots you could’ve indulged in by now… ” 

Kalinda hid the frustration in her voice behind her smile. Frustration for her clumsy handling of the encounter. Frustration for all she’d wanted to say but couldn’t. Frustration that they weren’t alone. 

Kalinda detected a minute change in Alicia’s demeanor. Was it disappointment? Relief? Indifference? Her eyes caught Alicia’s once more. Kalinda tried to look away, but couldn’t. Not as long as Alicia continued staring back at her. 

Robyn, after remaining suspiciously quiet since Alicia joined the conversation, flashed her goofy smile before beginning her retreat back to their table. “It was so great seeing you again, Kalinda. We should catch up some time. You know, trade investigator stories.”

She playfully tapped her fist to Kalinda’s shoulder before offering a goodbye handshake to Lena. 

“Sure,” replied Kalinda, her eyes still locked on Alicia’s. Something was different. Something behind her eyes had shifted after Kalinda’s polite, yet unmistakable suggestion that Alicia and Robyn return to their table. Before Kalinda could decipher it, Alicia broke the connection to offer a parting nod to Lena. 

“So lovely to have met you, Lena. Don’t let Kalinda get you into too much trouble.” 

Kalinda’s heart felt lighter at the playful tone of Alicia’s voice, a sound long absent from any statements made regarding Kalinda during her last two years at Lockhart/Gardner. 

She turned her vision once more to Kalinda. “Kalinda,” she offered as a goodbye with more warmth than Kalinda had heard in her voice since their exchange had began. It was accompanied by a small, yet genuine smile.

With that, Alicia turned to follow Robyn back to the refuge of the corner table, leaving a completely dumbfounded Kalinda in her wake. 


	4. Chapter 4

Kalinda sat at her desk the next afternoon, still befuddled by the events of the previous night. Any work she’d attempted for the day so far had failed miserably. After realizing she’d unknowingly read the same sentence for the fourth time, Kalinda decided she needed to get some fresh air. At this point, she was willing to try anything to clear her mind. Try as she might to be productive, all of her thoughts kept returning to that one person. What had been the meaning of Alicia’s actions? Despite Kalinda’s disastrous attempts at conversation and their mutual discomfort during the interaction, Alicia had seemed almost disappointed to leave. And why had...

Kalinda closed her laptop and rose from her chair, irritated with herself for wasting so much of the day already. She’d accomplished nothing, found no answers to her questions professional or personal. Just as she reached for her jacket draped over the chair, there was a light tap on her doorframe. Before she could respond, Sophia had sauntered into the office and plopped down unceremoniously onto Kalinda’s chair. She had been carrying something, a package of sorts, which she now placed on the ground beside the desk. She did a half-spin in the chair before stopping abruptly to face Kalinda. Sophia stared at her for a few moments, head tilted to the right and eyes slightly narrowed.

Tired of being under obvious scrutiny, Kalinda flashed a look of indignation in Sophia’s direction.

“What’s going on with you today? It’s like you’re somewhere else completely.”

Directing her gaze at the floor, Kalinda released a faint sigh. “Nothing. Just—just tired. Late night.”

It wasn’t a lie. Her mind had been too occupied to get much sleep.

Sophia flashed a mischievous smile. “Oh, that’s right—you met with a potential lead last night. Tell me, did your informant…inform?”

Truthfully, the night hadn’t been a complete catastrophe in that regard. Lena wasn’t blind—she had sensed the change in Kalinda’s demeanor once the reunion had concluded. Kalinda had feigned fatigue as the main culprit behind her mood shift, but Lena still appeared skeptical. She had very kindly let Kalinda off the hook for the evening, providing useful information while suggesting that Kalinda could repay the favor at a later date, if she felt so inclined.

With a roll of her eyes, Kalinda cheekily replied to Sophia, “Wouldn’t you like to know.”

“As your boss—“

“How could I forget? You’re always reminding me,” Kalinda interrupted with a light chuckle.

“As your boss,” Sophia continued on, her smirk growing wider, “I will need details pertinent to our case.”

“Our case, huh?” Kalinda answered in an amused tone. “Don’t worry—all will be revealed. _After_ I get some fresh air.”

Kalinda reached for her jacket on the back of the chair once more, removing it none too gently from behind Sophia’s back.

“Well, before you’re out there drinking in the _oh-so-fresh_ Chicago air—,” Sophia lifted the forgotten package up onto the desk.

“How sweet. You do care," Kalinda's sarcasm dripped from each word. "But it’s not my birthday.”

“Frankly I’d be shocked if you even had a birthday,” Sophia said teasingly before continuing. “But it’s not from me. No, this was just dropped off for you at the front desk. Being the _gracious_ person that I am, I thought I’d bring it to you. Seeing as how I was on my way here anyway.”

“Is that what it’s called now—‘gracious?’” Kalinda grinned at Sophia as she rose from the chair and walked over to the door.

“Close enough,” Sophia smiled as she shrugged her shoulders. Then her tone turned serious. “I know how hard you’ve been working. Your hours lately have been more insane than usual. Take the rest of the day off if you want – a mental health afternoon.”

“I’m good. But thanks,” Kalinda replied, her first sincere comment since their conversation began.

“Suit yourself.” Sophia winked at Kalinda before leaving her office. She’d only walked a few steps before Kalinda heard her from the hallway, “Workaholic!”

Kalinda smirked at the comment, glad for the small distraction from the thoughts cemented in her head since the previous evening. After a few moments, she finally directed her attention towards the peculiar brown package now sitting on her desk—a long, thin cardboard box with no note. Even her name was absent from any surface.

Curiosity piqued even further, Kalinda opened the top flap of the package and glanced inside. It was a bottle of some sort. Grabbing the neck, she pulled it up and out of the box, setting it down on the desk. To say that Kalinda was shocked would have been an understatement, her mouth currently agape at the sight in front of her.

A bottle of tequila. A bottle of tequila with a small envelope attached to its neck. Kalinda’s fingers fumbled to open the envelope. Surely it had to be from… Only one person could’ve…

She shakily unfolded contents of the envelope, a small note with handwriting she’d have recognized from a mile away.

_I know it’s two years too late, but you never told me the drinking protocol for becoming a name partner._

_-A_

_P.S. - My number’s still the same._

After a few minutes of stunned silence, Kalinda grabbed the work phone sitting on her desk and dialed a number. It took all of her self-control not to dial another number, a number she had memorized years ago and never forgotten. Instead she had called the extension for Sophia’s office. 

“Sophia speaking. What can I do you for?”

“Hey, it’s Kalinda. I—I think I’m going to take you up on that mental health day after all.”


End file.
